It's like Campbell's---Mmm, mmm, good

So, yesterday was a typical lazy Sunday. Everyone slept in, ate breakfast late, kinda lazed around all day. It was unusually quiet until I heard a blood curdling scream by my son, followed by "Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god". Now anyone who has kids can attest to the fact that probably 95% of the time, it's never an actual emergency when they say it is, so I took my time getting to the kitchen where the noise was coming from. As I'm walking there, I hear my son say the word "mouse" followed by the words "it doesn't have a face" while he's gagging...and I start to panic. The dining room lights were off and the curtain in the kitchen was closed, so the only light getting to that area was coming from the living room. In the semi-darkness I see what appears to be a mutilated, not "mouse" but rather a RAT. But not just any rat....the biggest, freakin' rat I've ever seen, sans head and bloodied, with whatever is in the neck showing. Remember how I said it wasn't an actual emergency? Well now it is. Because I don't do dead animals.....especially not headless dead animals. I leave the lights off 'cause I don't care to see what it really looks like in its full glory and I immediately start to wonder what to do. In the span of a few seconds, I wonder how it got in, decide it must have been brought in by the cat that had come in through an open window not too long before that, figure that it is that time of year and we do live near a huge open field so it's not too surprising that mice and rats could be out there, wonder why the hell the cat had to bring it in here, and start to run through a list of people that I could call to come pick it up for me because there's no way in hell I'm about to do it. Yes, I'm a chicken. I grab a plastic bag to cover it because I don't want to look at it and I shoo the cat away who is still trying to get to it. As I'm covering it, while I'm still trying to figure out what to do (I was really trying to psych myself into picking it up) my eyes wander to it again and I think "damn, that is really the biggest rat I've ever seen". So I cover it and I start to gauge which one of my children is most likely to be bribed at that moment and I start running through things in my head that I can bribe them with to pick it up. Eventually I ask my son if he'll pick it up and take it out for $5. He says yes----SCORE! Personally if I were him, I wouldn't have done it for less than $10, but I'm not complaining. He picks it up, takes it outside, thus ends the excitement for the day............or so I think.

Later on in the evening, things are quiet, clothes are being washed and dried because Sunday is laundry day, everyone's fed and happy, life is good. I start to walk out to the kitchen and almost trip over the cat. Remember the cat I wrote about a few weeks ago? The one who put her kittens in my couch? Yeah, that one. Cat looks up at me and licks her lips and I realize she's eating something. I move her out of the way thinking maybe she pulled something out of the trash, but to my horror I realize it's nothing from the trash and what's worse is that it's not a mouse or a rat, because at this point a mouse or a rat would be a welcome sight. There, right in front of me, is a dead white kitten with a hole in its neck. The cat was eating her own kitten. I try to shoo her away and she starts to growl at me but eventually I just pick her up and throw her outside and ponder how I'm going to get this thing out because that's even worse than the rat and if I wouldn't pick up the rat, I sure as hell am not picking up a dead kitten. I ask my son again because I'm that big of a chicken (and probably at this point a bad mom...lol) and he takes care of it. Thank god. Then my mind wanders back to earlier in the day and the phrase "that is the biggest rat I've ever seen" enters my mind........and I realize that probably wasn't a rat. I check on where she's been keeping her kittens and my fears were confirmed......it was another one of her kittens . She only had one left at this point and I will just confirm that, yes, that one is a goner too. I found her munching on it earlier this afternoon after she looked up at me, licked her lips and gave me this look, as if to say "what's your problem?" when I started yelling at her about how gross she is. Well, that's the end of the cats she originally brought in a few weeks back, so I guess I don't have to worry about taking them to pound. I suppose I should thank her for making my job easier but I would have preferred a less disgusting way.

That was her first litter and I've only seen that happen one other time years ago, with another cat who had her first litter. The vet told me that sometimes there is something wrong with the babies, the mom knows it and kills them. Sometimes the babies die on their own and the moms eat them because in the wild they get nutrition back that they lost during childbirth. And sometimes their instinct to chase small, furry things doesn't shut off, so they treat them like they're mice and kill them. Either way, it's disgusting and that cat is NEVER coming in my house again. She can stay outside to kill and mutilate whatever the hell she wants....but outside, so I can stop losing $5 to my son.

All for nothing

According to what I've read, I should be able to do many new things today. The base of my skull was tingling and I was suddenly hyper-aware of all that was going on around me. I felt as if there were some sort of imminent danger, so carefully I searched my surroundings but all I saw was a small kitten looking for its mother. I attempted to lift and catch incredibly heavy objects such as a bus that fell off an overpass but alas, the people in the bus were none to happy when I dropped it...well, those that were still conscious weren't. I also tried to protect small, unsuspecting children who were walking underneath some major construction work. When the crane fell, I tried to catch it but alas, the children were crushed anyway. Sorry kids. I picked a fight with a 6'5, 300lb man named Tiny because I wanted to feel what it was like to be deadly in hand-to-hand combat but I walked away with a broken and bloody nose, not to mention 2 black eyes. After that failure, I asked my brother who owns a gun to shoot at me so I could test out my unmatched reflex skills. Unfortunately, I did not dodge that bullet. Even though that was quite unsuccessful in my previous endeavors, I attempted to walk up a wall and when that too failed, I decided to to take a trip to New York City to take a stab at swinging between large buildings, more specifically --skyscrapers. As you can guess by now, that didn't work out so well either. Confused and downhearted, I took a crack at shooting web-like material out of my wrists but again, no luck. As I wandered around aimlessly and perplexed at my lack of skills, I suddenly realized that the spider that bit me yesterday probably only wanted to crawl up my shirt to cop a feel. Fucking spider.

Love Bites

Good lord, I haven't heard this in ages. Good times man.......I was 15. God, I'm old! I also had to hide this music from my mom 'cause it was "vulgar" and "oversexed".....How can something be oversexed?? Of course, when I was 15, lyrics like "I don't wanna touch you too much baby 'cause makin' love to you might drive me crazy" were bordering on soft porn. Oddly enough, the only song of theirs I could get by her was "Pour Some Sugar On Me" because she couldn't understand the lyrics....and apparently she also didn't realize that "Pour some sugar on me" had nothing to do with cooking. And btw, Def Leppard had it right.........Love bites!

The cat

First let me say that I'm a sucker for a lot of things....animals being one of them. I have 2 dogs that I took in as puppies 'cause they were gonna go to the pound and our pound euthanizes them after 3 days, so I couldn't let that happen. And I'm happy to pretend that the other 10 puppies were adopted by similar schmucks like myself and nobody got the needle. At that time I was planning on getting a dog---a small one---but then I found out about these other dogs and I end up with two. Cute dogs, good dogs...I got lucky.


Now for the cat(s). I only claim one but I don't have the heart to shoot BB guns at them to run them off, like my other neighbors have. Me shooting anything would be pointless anyway....just ask my boys. My aim is beyond awful. As a matter of fact, this morning before the kids left for school the boys were asking me to play darts (the sticky kind) with them and they had the nerve to laugh at me when I missed. Although Devyn did try his best to be nice and said "Well, you hit the board....that's something!" I also got a "good job mom, you hit the 25". But anyway..........back to the cats.


So, I have cats that like to hang out in my backyard like Paris Hilton likes to hang out at clubs. I don't really pay too much attention to them. I don't give them names.....I kinda figure food and water is payment enough. About a week ago I realize that 3 of them have given birth and I'm starting to do the ol' "oh god what do I do now?" routine. And now I know that I seriously have to think about the pound but thankfully, I was told that there is a pound in another city that's a no-kill type of thing. Except now I'm wracked with the "what if" guilt. What if I take them there and they lied about being a no-kill shelter? What if I take them there and it's so upsetting to the mama cats that they stop feeding the babies? What if they're not cute enough and no one ever adopts them? What if, what if, what if. And truthfully, I haven't even looked at the babies 'cause I know myself and that'd be a disaster.


Cut to today.............I hear a noise outside early this morning and open the front door and in comes running another cat, who I must say never looked like she was pregnant.......if she'd been a human, she'd be one of those women you hate. You know, the kind that looks exactly the same, pregnant or not. Anyway, in she comes carrying what looks to be a mouse.....I think. And then from across the street, I hear some lady who's walking her kid to school "It looks like she's just moving them". This all happens within a matter of a few seconds and it dawns on me that said non-pregnant looking cat has just made a beeline for a notch in the back of the couch that I can't freakin' get to and she wasn't moving a mouse. There's just this one spot..........ONE SPOT that's big enough for her to get into. How the hell did she know that? And then I'm thinking "well, thank God it's only one........it had to be only one 'cause she really didn't look pregnant". I can't get to the baby and I figure I'll somehow get it later. But then she starts running to the door and I'm like "what the hell cat? Go feed your baby or something". Well, I have to open the door to get my kids to school, because unlike her, I want my kids out in the morning, not in...and she bolts. And now I'm like "Greattttttttttt..........just effing great! Leave me with your kid." But the baby was quiet and besides, I couldn't get to it....and also, I don't want to look at it 'cause I know myself too well and I'll be all "awwwwww" and start thinking up ways to keep it. So, the cat goes outside and is gone and then I'm thinking "Great, now I'm gonna have a dead kitten somewhere in my couch 'cause I can't get to it and she's not feeding it". But as with everything else, I figure I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.


I also forgot to mention that said non-pregnant cat has a habit of climbing up the wall outside my window (no clue how she does it) and makes a bunch of noise until I open the window enough for her to get in. That's a regular occurrence.....too regular. So, I'm sitting in my room and I hear another noise out front....open the door and surprise, surprise, in comes the cat with another kitten. Same scenario, heads for the couch, I can't get to it and I start worrying again. A little while later she wants out AGAIN. And I'm thinking "Geez cat, if you were human, I'd be calling Children's Services on you 'cause Mother of the Year you are not". Well, while I'm trying to have a very important conversation with someone, I look up and what do I see but that damn cat climbing up to get in my window......and yes, she's carrying something....and no, it's not a mouse. Cat comes in, heads for the couch, I start worrying....Wash, rinse, repeat.


At this point there are kittens mewing and I have no idea what to do 'cause their dumbass mother is now more interested in eating. So I leave things alone and I turn the music up on my computer really loudly, 'cause as we all know, music makes everything go away. I must admit that at this point the guilt is hitting an all-time high because even though I'm being welcomed to the Hotel California, in the back of my head I'm thinking "those kittens are gonna die.......in my couch". So I get up, I look around for some box...any box.....and head for the couch. Now I can hear them but I can't see them but from the noises I know approximately where they're at. So, me being brilliant and all, tear (cut) right above where the noise is coming from. I reach in and voila! ..a kitten. And I'm thinking "I so did not want to get this involved....and why the hell did it have to be MY couch she moves them into?" I need to start charging her rent. So, I reach in for numbers 2 and 3 and pray that there aren't anymore she's planning on bringing in. I also have to say that while she was off enjoying life and they were crying, I picked them up to move them into the box and they stop crying and get all cute on me..........ack. I go to put them down and they start crying again. Pick them up, they stop. Put them down, they start. Again, wash, rinse, repeat. And now I'm stuck. I also start to panic......What if she never feeds them? And laugh at me 'cause I totally deserve it but I also thought that I couldn't feed them myself 'cause my nipple is way too big for their mouths. Besides, I did the nursing thing with my own kids and that was more than enough for me. Soooooooooooooo...........I finally leave that general area and find that the person I was talking to is now gone and probably thinks I'm mean. But hey, I couldn't help it......there were kittens involved.


Now the kids are home and I had to go through the whole "DO NOT touch the kittens" speech and then we go through the whole "THERE ARE KITTENS???? WHERE?????"..........Me and my big mouth. And now I'm wracked with guilt again 'cause I have no idea what I'm going to do with these kittens. I don't want to get involved 'cause I know myself. I know we can't keep them and I know I'm not mean enough to just kick them out. Argh


And this ladies and gentlemen is the reason why I avoid looking homeless people in the eyes. I will always give money......even if I can't really spare it. And I will always be a sucker for animals.

Laugh of the day

Conversation between me and Devyn (9 years old):

Devyn: Can I get an ice cream when the ice cream man comes? I'll get you one too. I have my own money.


Me: Yeah, I just want you to come straight back home. Don't get caught up talking to Kristin. (I ignore the part about whether I want one or not 'cause I really didn't)


Devyn: Yeah, but do you want one? I'll get you one.


Me: Umm, I guess. Thanks.


Devyn: What kind do you want?


Me: Nutty Buddy


Devyn: Ok.............................................Can I borrow a dollar?

Fun Stuff

This was kinda fun to take.....and pretty close for me.

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My crazy, coherent, messed up thoughts

I hate baths but I love showers.

I think vanilla ice cream is pointless but chocolate is divine.

I hate dresses and dressing up. I'm a jeans and t-shirt kinda gal.

I have been in a bar maybe 3 times in my whole life.

I'm a homebody. I usually wait for movies to come out on DVD but would probably prefer going to the theater.

I once had a rat attack me. Ok, it probably wasn't "attacking" me...but it felt like it.

I have no hair color preference when it comes to guys.

I love my brother. I hate my sister. I only have one sibling.

I love amusement parks. Disneyland really is the happiest place on earth. Well, it's at least the happiest commercial place on earth, but at some point, I realize two things: A) I'm drinking bottled water. B)I'm about to pay $4-5 for a 16 oz. bottle of water. C)I'm now one of those people who not only drinks bottled water but also pays for it..........and yes, I know that was 3 things.

I love the beach but I never swim in the ocean because I'm paranoid of sharks. I may wade slightly but I promise you, I'm not getting in.

I want to do something crazy like bungee jump but I'm scared to death of heights. That's also why it makes perfect sense that I like the highest, scariest roller coaster rides available.

My idea of a perfect day is rain outside, a good book and unlimited hot chocolate, with marshmallows of course.

I hate when people don't know how to use the words "your" and "you're" properly but I say (spell) things like "wanna" and "gonna".

I enjoy talking to people but people scare me.

I don't get carsick.

I rarely get allergies.

I hate milk...unless it's in cereal. But I also pretty much hate cereal, so I rarely have either.

I rarely drink anything else but water. Except on those rare weeks where I'm craving Slurpees.

I rarely use the words "rare" and "rarely".

I hate commercials, which is why I love my Tivo.

My favorite time of day is night.

I hate the dark.

I'm not scared of darkness, it just hurts my eyes.

I've been told that I'm a completely different person in the later afternoon. That's usually a good thing.

I try to watch as many sunsets as I can. I don't have any deep reasons for that. I just like sunsets.

I hate bats.

I was hoping the bats I saw tonight would get closer so I could watch them better.

I like rain but I hate getting wet.

I only like liquid soap.

I have irrational fears like when I go in the backyard when it's dark, I'm afraid a mountain lion will attack me. There are no mountain lions in my general area....and, I'm not afraid of flying or even of being in a plane crash, but I'm terrified that one day I'll see an actual plane crash in front of me, which is why I won't go to air shows and why I avoid looking at planes that are overhead.

When all is said and done.....I'll still like the color purple.

Oh yeah, and my brother has it all wrong...I'M pretty much the whitest Mexican you'll ever run into. At least he can tan!

Kids say the darndest things

So, I was gonna start this out completely differently but then my mind started wandering, as usual..... and since I know R is gonna read this, I also know that she'll totally get it.


First, I have to say that even though my kids drive me crazy, oh about 90% of the time, they are still really, really, really good kids. Over the last year, 3 of the kids that mine have grown up with have either gone to jail, or are about to go for some pretty serious stuff. 2 years ago 2 friends of my oldest died in a very ugly car crash due to them drinking and driving at the age of 14. And in February, one of the girls my 15 year old used to be close friends with had a baby. She was 14 when she got pregnant and 15 when she had her son. I say all this just to remind myself that my kids really aren't bad kids at all....just typical kids. As I was thinking about the above incidences as well as others, I realized that I could count on one hand (3 fingers actually) the times my kids have done something monumentally stupid....and even those things don't come close to the above.


My oldest will be 17 in a little over a month, so she's definitely in that whole "You're treating me like I'm 5", while rolling her eyes stage. And of course, I've now turned into my parents (argh!!!) with my whole "I don't care if everyone else's parents let them do it.....they're not my kids and it's my job to protect you 'cause no matter how old you think you are, you're still living in MY house with MY rules and I want to know where you're going, what you're gonna be doing, who else is gonna be there, what time you're coming home and I had BETTER get a phone call when you're there because, contrary to what YOU think, I don't pay for your cell phone just for you to talk to your friends! And don't you DARE CALL ME OVERLY-EMOTIONAL!!!!!!" rant.......of course, all said while I'm shaking my finger.Yeah, because clearly I wasn't overly-emotional. Anyway, the point is, we're pretty much normal.


*sigh* Whatever happened to the pledge I made when I was 16 that no matter what my kids did, I would NEVER, EVER treat them the way my parents did......because of course, my parents were total nerds, had no clue what they were talking about and well, I knew better???


So, since we're normal, of course my kids also have a problem with some of the music I listen to. Unfortunately for them, they know Hotel California by heart, even though they'd prefer not to (and one day I WILL be able to convince them that it's the greatest song ever). But what's worse than that is when they get stuck in the car with me (because I am the only person allowed to change the channels.....uhh, I don't know who could have made that rule up) and I can see them crossing their fingers, closing their eyes, saying their prayers and chanting "Please, no. Please, no. Please, no." and then when I hit the Country station, you hear "AWWWWWWWWWWWWWW C'MONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN........GOD MOMMMMMMMMM...........NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!". I enjoy all kinds of music....country included but it's not my favorite. However, I will admit that more times than not, I hit that station just to annoy them because I'm such an adult that way *evil laugh*. Anyway, they don't like country, so if I'm home and they're not trapped in a car with me, I won't force them to listen to it. I just listen to it in my room if that's my preference at the moment. Sooooooo, the other day my 15 year old comes in my room and lays on the bed while I'm engrossed in various Youtube videos. I happened to run across one I hadn't heard in about a week and start playing it and Catalina says "Who is that?" and, knowing she won't care because it's country, I say "Ehh, just some country chick. She's only 17."....and we start discussing why she's singing about Tim McGraw. Now, I gotta say that Catalina (15 year old) is a bit more open-minded when it comes to music than Marina (16 year old) is....but, she's not a fan of country, unless it's Martina McBride. But I start to notice that Catalina hasn't bailed yet and she's actually watching the video and asking me "what'd she say there?" and I realize that, at the very least, she doesn't hate it. So, fast forward about 3 days to yesterday and while the girls are doing their normal morning routine, I hear that song playing and it wasn't on my computer...it was on theirs. Now, truthfully, I was stunned but I said nothing. I pretended I didn't even notice it. Sometimes teenagers are like some elusive, nocturnal creature that scares easily......and if you say what you want to, they'll run and then you missed your chance to watch something you thought you'd never see. Soooo,I look over at Marina because she's the one that should really be having a fit by that point in the song, but she wasn't. I thought she must be really tired because there is no way in hell she would normally listen to that of her own free will. But, again, I leave it be and walk away laughing (to myself, of course). Now, fast forward to this morning...................................


They were going with their friend and his family to have a BBQ for the kids uncle who just got back from Iraq this week. It's a couple hour drive north, so they had to be up and out early. So, I hear all the noises that they make every morning when getting ready....including the music blaring, because for some reason, they don't get that our house isn't a studio and my room isn't soundproofed, so, YES, I CAN hear your music even when my door is closed! But, it's their normal racket, so nothing out of the ordinary there. I hadn't turned my laptop on yet, and frankly, wasn't planning on getting online then, but I saw theirs on and I decided to check my email and myspace. Catalina's in the background straightening her hair....Marina's putting her makeup on and out of nowhere Marina says "Taylor Swift is coming to town". Now, knowing that she hates country music, I thought she was telling me 'cause she knows I like that girl's voice. So I say "Yeah, I saw that". And then it happens............She says "We should try to get some tickets". I thought I heard that wrong, so I said "huh?"....and again I hear "We should try to get some tickets to see her". And now I'm thoroughly confused. If there was some sort of soundtrack playing in my head at the moment, you would have been able to hear Scooby's voice saying "Rikes Raggy, did she really just say "we"??? What do we do now?????" And then Shaggy would throw me a Scooby Snack to calm me down, but that's another story.........Seriously, I was dumbfounded. That was on the inside, but on the outside I was all cool and non-chalant and said something like "yeah, I guess that'd be cool". And even though I'm chronologically an adult, sometimes I suddenly become a 3rd grader again and what I really wanted to say in a 'mocking/playing' tone was "But I thought you don't like country music..........You mean to tell me that you're ACTUALLY admitting to liking a country artist??". But I didn't......'cause I'm a 3rd grader who knows better!


That whole story probably isn't gonna mean much to anyone except R......so, sorry if you read it and it bored you. Deal with your boredom, while I try to figure out how to get Taylor Swift tickets for me AND my girls' *jumps up and down*.

"Vulgarity is vulgarity....."

Perhaps Mr. Imus did us all a huge favor (or at least me) in reminding us just how far we still need to go in our society to bring about true harmony, peace and love. I admit that I sometimes get lackadaisical, not in my own speech but at least in what I find "acceptable" for others to say. It's not that I don't think it's wrong, but by my non-actions, I do nothing to help the situation. At this time, I am reminded of one of my favorite quotes:


"In Germany, they first came for the communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Catholic. Then they came for me–and by that time there was nobody left to speak up."
—Martin Niemöller (1945) [he served seven years in a concentration camp]

We all need to start speaking up.

Mother fuckin' son of a bitch

I swear to God, I will NOT be apologizing for anything I said to him earlier. Usually by this time I'm all "I'm sorry, I was being a bitch......." blah blah. Not this time.

I swear if it wasn't so hard to get a fucking divorce, I'd do it today. I'm tired of this shit. I'm tired of pretending. I'm tired of acting like it's all okay with me.

It's not like I haven't been through this before, but fuck!!! this is almost too much right now. He's an ass and that's all there is to it. I love my kids and w/out him, I wouldn't have them, but right now that's about the only positive I can see. Yes, we're friends but I wouldn't take this shit from anyone.....except I feel forced to because I'm married to him. At the moment, about as far away as I can get is the living room....lol. That's so lame.

I'm really lame 'cause I can live my life in quotes and lyrics. Or maybe I just read and listen to too much music. Still lame. What the fuck happened to me?

I know he can't be happy with the situation either. I'm sure he feels trapped. I mean, clearly he was ready to walk away 2 years ago. I wish we would have just went through with it. If there is a "limbo" or "hell", this is it. Seriously.


"Everything you say to me takes me one step closer and I'm about to break............."

Snake

I feel like a snake shedding it's skin. I know that in the end it'll feel better but for now it's just plain ugly. I don't know how to deal with this shit, even though I pretend I do.

I'm gonna be on the lookout for that sunset tonight. I'm gonna be grateful that I'm still around. I'm gonna put one foot in front of the other, just as I've always done. I'm also gonna remember that everyone goes through this and try not to pretend that I'm alone in my misery.

The dreams are back. The bad feeling is back. Like I've said a thousand times before, there are fates worse than death. I feel like a damn fool but then again, I've always felt like that. When does it end? It's been over 20 years and when the hell does it end?? I'm getting the picture that it never does. Days get easier, that's true, but it never truly ends. And people? People will always have a way of hurting you whether they mean it or not. That's where my big mistake comes in......you'd think I would have learned by now but nooooooooooo, not me! I'm the dumbass who still believes that one day someone will come through and mean it.

I don't open up much but I guess deep inside I always think "maybe this time will be different". Well, today, at this moment, at this minute, at this second, I say "to hell with you all!!!!!!!!!". Of course, that's for my own protection.

"There is nothing better than a good lie"....especially the ones we tell ourselves.

"...There is nothing better than a good lie...."

"Perfect by nature
Icons of self indulgence
Just what we all need
More lies about a world that

Never was and never will be
Have you no shame? Don't you see me?
You know you've got everybody fooled

Look here she comes now
Bow down and stare in wonder
Oh how we love you
No flaws when you're pretending
But now I know she

Never was and never will be
You don't know how you've betrayed me
And somehow you've got everybody fooled

Without the mask, where will you hide?
Can't find yourself lost in your lie

I know the truth now
I know who you are
And I don't love you anymore

It Never was and never will be
You don't know how you've betrayed me
And somehow you've got everybody fooled

It never was and never will be
You're not real and you can't save me
Somehow now you're everybody's fool"--Evanescence

Argh

It's not that I don't have anything to say, it's that whatever I say won't translate well over the internet.

I have all these feelings and thoughts and I feel like I'm about to explode.....and that's not a bad thing, but I don't want certain people to take them wrong. And in the end, no one is to blame but me.

Guess I'll deal with it like I always do.......just try to ignore it.

Always

I hear a voice says "don't be so blind......" (those are lyrics, btw)

One longggg day

Well, the day's not over, but it's still been long. I seriously cannot wait 'til the kids go back to school!! Devyn is driving me insane. Who the hell came up with the bright idea to have school vacations anyway?? I love my kids but geez.....sometimes they can push my buttons. Especially when they're around each other for too long, but I suppose in light of other situations, it could be much worse.

Oooh! A good song just came on. "Am I your one and only desire...am I the reason you breathe, or am I the reason you cry?.......Always, always, always..........I love you, I hate you. I can't get around you. I breathe you, I taste you. I can't live without you. I just can't take anymore, this life of solitude. I'm guessing I'm out the door and now I'm done with you........." I had to type that one out while I was singing it :D.

Back to my regularly scheduled programming........("WHY WOULD YOU TEAR MY WORLD APART??"-----God, I love that part of the song!)

Anyway, so even though my kids are driving me crazy, I know it can be a whole lot worse. I am at such a loss as to what to do or what to say to his mom. She's so broken up and I can only imagine how she feels. It makes me wanna cry---actually, it has made me cry--and he's not even my son. It's so strange how one dumb mistake we make can change the map of our life permanently. I think about all the times my life could have been changed for the worse by my own actions and it scares the shit outta me. Then I think about how my kids are getting to an age where I couldn't rescue them if they happened to get into trouble like Logan did and that scares me even worse.

Overall though, it's been a pretty good day. I got a really nice surprise phone call from a very good friend...and, I got to see a pretty good friend later on. I swear she still looks like she did in the 4th grade....bitch! :D

Now I have to go think about my 5 things to be grateful for. I have a few on my mind....but, we'll see what i come up with.