The cat

First let me say that I'm a sucker for a lot of things....animals being one of them. I have 2 dogs that I took in as puppies 'cause they were gonna go to the pound and our pound euthanizes them after 3 days, so I couldn't let that happen. And I'm happy to pretend that the other 10 puppies were adopted by similar schmucks like myself and nobody got the needle. At that time I was planning on getting a dog---a small one---but then I found out about these other dogs and I end up with two. Cute dogs, good dogs...I got lucky.


Now for the cat(s). I only claim one but I don't have the heart to shoot BB guns at them to run them off, like my other neighbors have. Me shooting anything would be pointless anyway....just ask my boys. My aim is beyond awful. As a matter of fact, this morning before the kids left for school the boys were asking me to play darts (the sticky kind) with them and they had the nerve to laugh at me when I missed. Although Devyn did try his best to be nice and said "Well, you hit the board....that's something!" I also got a "good job mom, you hit the 25". But anyway..........back to the cats.


So, I have cats that like to hang out in my backyard like Paris Hilton likes to hang out at clubs. I don't really pay too much attention to them. I don't give them names.....I kinda figure food and water is payment enough. About a week ago I realize that 3 of them have given birth and I'm starting to do the ol' "oh god what do I do now?" routine. And now I know that I seriously have to think about the pound but thankfully, I was told that there is a pound in another city that's a no-kill type of thing. Except now I'm wracked with the "what if" guilt. What if I take them there and they lied about being a no-kill shelter? What if I take them there and it's so upsetting to the mama cats that they stop feeding the babies? What if they're not cute enough and no one ever adopts them? What if, what if, what if. And truthfully, I haven't even looked at the babies 'cause I know myself and that'd be a disaster.


Cut to today.............I hear a noise outside early this morning and open the front door and in comes running another cat, who I must say never looked like she was pregnant.......if she'd been a human, she'd be one of those women you hate. You know, the kind that looks exactly the same, pregnant or not. Anyway, in she comes carrying what looks to be a mouse.....I think. And then from across the street, I hear some lady who's walking her kid to school "It looks like she's just moving them". This all happens within a matter of a few seconds and it dawns on me that said non-pregnant looking cat has just made a beeline for a notch in the back of the couch that I can't freakin' get to and she wasn't moving a mouse. There's just this one spot..........ONE SPOT that's big enough for her to get into. How the hell did she know that? And then I'm thinking "well, thank God it's only one........it had to be only one 'cause she really didn't look pregnant". I can't get to the baby and I figure I'll somehow get it later. But then she starts running to the door and I'm like "what the hell cat? Go feed your baby or something". Well, I have to open the door to get my kids to school, because unlike her, I want my kids out in the morning, not in...and she bolts. And now I'm like "Greattttttttttt..........just effing great! Leave me with your kid." But the baby was quiet and besides, I couldn't get to it....and also, I don't want to look at it 'cause I know myself too well and I'll be all "awwwwww" and start thinking up ways to keep it. So, the cat goes outside and is gone and then I'm thinking "Great, now I'm gonna have a dead kitten somewhere in my couch 'cause I can't get to it and she's not feeding it". But as with everything else, I figure I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.


I also forgot to mention that said non-pregnant cat has a habit of climbing up the wall outside my window (no clue how she does it) and makes a bunch of noise until I open the window enough for her to get in. That's a regular occurrence.....too regular. So, I'm sitting in my room and I hear another noise out front....open the door and surprise, surprise, in comes the cat with another kitten. Same scenario, heads for the couch, I can't get to it and I start worrying again. A little while later she wants out AGAIN. And I'm thinking "Geez cat, if you were human, I'd be calling Children's Services on you 'cause Mother of the Year you are not". Well, while I'm trying to have a very important conversation with someone, I look up and what do I see but that damn cat climbing up to get in my window......and yes, she's carrying something....and no, it's not a mouse. Cat comes in, heads for the couch, I start worrying....Wash, rinse, repeat.


At this point there are kittens mewing and I have no idea what to do 'cause their dumbass mother is now more interested in eating. So I leave things alone and I turn the music up on my computer really loudly, 'cause as we all know, music makes everything go away. I must admit that at this point the guilt is hitting an all-time high because even though I'm being welcomed to the Hotel California, in the back of my head I'm thinking "those kittens are gonna die.......in my couch". So I get up, I look around for some box...any box.....and head for the couch. Now I can hear them but I can't see them but from the noises I know approximately where they're at. So, me being brilliant and all, tear (cut) right above where the noise is coming from. I reach in and voila! ..a kitten. And I'm thinking "I so did not want to get this involved....and why the hell did it have to be MY couch she moves them into?" I need to start charging her rent. So, I reach in for numbers 2 and 3 and pray that there aren't anymore she's planning on bringing in. I also have to say that while she was off enjoying life and they were crying, I picked them up to move them into the box and they stop crying and get all cute on me..........ack. I go to put them down and they start crying again. Pick them up, they stop. Put them down, they start. Again, wash, rinse, repeat. And now I'm stuck. I also start to panic......What if she never feeds them? And laugh at me 'cause I totally deserve it but I also thought that I couldn't feed them myself 'cause my nipple is way too big for their mouths. Besides, I did the nursing thing with my own kids and that was more than enough for me. Soooooooooooooo...........I finally leave that general area and find that the person I was talking to is now gone and probably thinks I'm mean. But hey, I couldn't help it......there were kittens involved.


Now the kids are home and I had to go through the whole "DO NOT touch the kittens" speech and then we go through the whole "THERE ARE KITTENS???? WHERE?????"..........Me and my big mouth. And now I'm wracked with guilt again 'cause I have no idea what I'm going to do with these kittens. I don't want to get involved 'cause I know myself. I know we can't keep them and I know I'm not mean enough to just kick them out. Argh


And this ladies and gentlemen is the reason why I avoid looking homeless people in the eyes. I will always give money......even if I can't really spare it. And I will always be a sucker for animals.